I'm not going to lie: the future scares me. The only thing more certain than my fear is the knowledge that I'm not alone in it.
Every day after a certain point in my life (a point that's proving exceptionally difficult to pinpoint), I began taking future quandary seriously. And what I saw...I didn't like.
It wasn't that I didn't have a future. I was always certain I did.
It wasn't that it was going to be difficult that I didn't like. I enjoy challenges, regardless of whether they're even relevant or necessary, or even worth pursuing in the least. A challenge is a challenge, and I'd climb a mountain just because it's there (except I wouldn't actually. I'm terrible with climbing).
No, what I didn't like was its murkiness. I always thought about it this way: to me, no way of dying is more terrifying than death by shark attack. I could be mauled by a tiger, fall out of a plane or cliff, or get hit by a truck, but just the thought of being consumed by a shark...well, it gets me in a way I'm not often got.
Why? Because up until they set their jaws in your skin, you don't see them clearly. You only see a silhouette distorted by the waves, unless you're looking at them through goggles. But regardless, it's that uncertainty of form that carried with it terror, dread, and a death less than ideal.
And so it is with the future. It's murky, and always will be. It was back then when I first began wondering about it, and it is now, even at the start of my graduate studies (although not so much the start anymore).
Will it ever be different? Will I ever have the certainty and comfort in knowing the future? Conceivably not.
I always hated leaving things in the hands of fate. But, ultimately, such things may just be out of our hands, no matter how much we struggle to control our world. Although I'm still on the fence on whether I'd prefer fate or absolute chaos (I have my theories that you either have one or the other, but that's a discussion for another day), maybe my notion of control is just an illusion...
Fine, I can live with that. But dammit if I'm going to surrender my autonomy without first dying for it.
Every day after a certain point in my life (a point that's proving exceptionally difficult to pinpoint), I began taking future quandary seriously. And what I saw...I didn't like.
It wasn't that I didn't have a future. I was always certain I did.
It wasn't that it was going to be difficult that I didn't like. I enjoy challenges, regardless of whether they're even relevant or necessary, or even worth pursuing in the least. A challenge is a challenge, and I'd climb a mountain just because it's there (except I wouldn't actually. I'm terrible with climbing).
No, what I didn't like was its murkiness. I always thought about it this way: to me, no way of dying is more terrifying than death by shark attack. I could be mauled by a tiger, fall out of a plane or cliff, or get hit by a truck, but just the thought of being consumed by a shark...well, it gets me in a way I'm not often got.
Why? Because up until they set their jaws in your skin, you don't see them clearly. You only see a silhouette distorted by the waves, unless you're looking at them through goggles. But regardless, it's that uncertainty of form that carried with it terror, dread, and a death less than ideal.
And so it is with the future. It's murky, and always will be. It was back then when I first began wondering about it, and it is now, even at the start of my graduate studies (although not so much the start anymore).
Will it ever be different? Will I ever have the certainty and comfort in knowing the future? Conceivably not.
I always hated leaving things in the hands of fate. But, ultimately, such things may just be out of our hands, no matter how much we struggle to control our world. Although I'm still on the fence on whether I'd prefer fate or absolute chaos (I have my theories that you either have one or the other, but that's a discussion for another day), maybe my notion of control is just an illusion...
Fine, I can live with that. But dammit if I'm going to surrender my autonomy without first dying for it.
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